Third Draft, where I begin the query process

After completing my first college writing class, I felt mildly more comfortable with what I was crafting. I had made several revisions of the whole novel from line by line edits to overall plot revising.  I was ready to do a round of querying. For those of you who do not know, a query is a letter sent to prospective literary agents or editors. The standard query consists of three to four brief paragraphs telling the recipient about yourself and your work. Sometimes the agent will ask for a few pages or chapters of your work, or a brief synopsis of the story.  It is important to read an agent’s or editor’s submission guidelines before querying.

I usually send out only a handful of queries at a time. Then I wait for feedback. After a few months I collect that feedback and make another round of revisions. I also make sure to revise my query letter.

At this time I also attended a writer’s conference in which I pitched to several agents and editors. During one of these sessions I met an agent who asked for me to submit my full manuscript to her agency.

In the version I sent her I added action. Lan is kneeling over her mother, her face pressed to her mother’s chest. You can see in the highlighted portion Lan’s physical appearance. I have depicted her as petite, she is supposed to have a fragile aspect to her. I also tried to show her turmoil. Her eyes are squeezed shut, too fearful to look at her mother’s still body. She is pleading with her mother to breathe, to not let the unknown him win.

Chapter One

Not now, Lan thought. This is not supposed to happen.

She willed her mother to take a breath, but no amount of strength on Lan’s part made a difference. Her mother decided her own fate, and unlike her daughter, she had never been a fighter.

Lan bent her small frame over the still form, resting her forehead on her mother’s chest. She squeezed her eyelids shut. “Breathe, mother,” she commanded. “Don’t let him win.”

Fourth Draft, where an editor tell it like it is

While I was waiting to hear back from the agents I submitted to, I was still trying to be productive. At this time I bounced around the idea of self-publishing. Thanks to Amazon the publishing world seems to have tilted sideways. No longer is self-publishing considered to be the ugly stepsister to the traditional publishing world. Self-published e-books account for 25% of e-books sold on Amazon. Of the revenue gained from e-books 40% is earned by indie authors.

I knew if I was going to go this route I needed to find an editor. I have revised my own novel several times, and had friends read though it, but I knew it would not be enough. I did not want to publish anything that was not polished. One of the downsides of self-publishing is that many times authors publish their work before it is ready.

I researched editors for hire who specialized in fantasy. I found an editor who was highly recommended. I sent him my first five pages. This way he can get a feel for my writing and be able to give me an appropriate quote for the price. He promised to give input on those five pages so I could decide if his style of edits were what I was looking for. Below is the edits he made. One thing this taught me was that in order to be a published author one needed thick skin. The editor pulled my novel apart. Still, I found his advice worth my wounded pride.

Chapter One

This is not supposed to happen.[E1] [E2] 

She willed her mother to take a breath, but no amount of strength on Lan’s part made a difference. Her mother decided her own fate, and Fen [E3] had never been a fighter. [E4] 

Lan calculated everything to the smallest of details, and this . . . this was never part of the plan.

 “Breathe mother!” Lan tried anyway[E5] . “Don’t let him win.”

Don’t leave me, she longed to say, but her own escape had been decided for days. She could not have taken her mother with her even before their beatings, bringing her along now was impossible. Fen’s [E6] death made leaving simpler, but this was not how they were supposed to part.

---

 [E1]Punctuation takes on the formatting of the body of text it belongs to. In this case an italicized direct thought.

    If you switch it to a comma before the tag I urge in the next comment, do not italicize the comma as it belongs to the un-italicized tag.

" . . . to happen, Lan thought. "

     [E2]Always tag the first direct thought in a story to set the precedent and tell readers what it is and what to expect.

 [E3]The names are confusing. It is hard to tell if they refer to these characters or others. Assuming Fen is the mother, I would cut it and use "she" instead.

 [E4]I moved this because it is a much more compelling paragraph that is more likely to get readers to keep reading.

 [E5]Tried what? Pounding on her chest? Administering CPR? What is she doing?

 [E6]"Her mother's"

Not only is it more clear, but it is more personal. Readers will connect more strongly with "mother" than "Fen."

Fifth Draft, where I revise yet again after receiving agent's notes

            After receiving imput from the editor I realized I was not ready to self-publish. Not only was my work not ready, I was not ready to give up my dreams of being traditionally published. 

              Shortly after receiving the editor’s notes I received a response from an agent about my manuscript. Though she did like my story, she too did not think it was ready. She sent me a two-page response listing weak areas she felt needed to be addressed. After another round of revising she asked for me to resubmit to her. 

            I realized from her notes that I needed to let the reader know who Lan was before I threw her into turmoil. In the pervious version, I had set the first chapter on the day she fled from the palace. After this revision, the first chapter takes place days before. The reader is given a chance to understand the world in which Lan lives so when she does leave, what she is risking is clear. The reader knows the stakes are high if she fails.

Chapter One

Faster! Lan willed her feet to pick up their pace. Sweat seeped down between her shoulder blades, dampening the tan beggar’s clothes she wore. Her long black braid snapped in the air behind her.

Lan glanced up at the sliver of setting sun then at the ominous stone wall of the Imperial Palace. Soon the gate would come into view, if only it still sat open. Lan had never been this late before. Foolishly, she had watched the dragon riders into the early evening, her eyes mesmerized by the dragon’s powerful wings, their long graceful necks, and their fire.

Sixth Draft, first place in the BOB contest

The only difference in this version is that in the second paragraph I replaced Lan with she to avoid repetition. This is the version I submitted to the American Night Writer’s beginning of the book contest.  The results were given at their writer’s conference last February. I won first place in the young adult category.  At this conference I met an editor for Shadow Mountain Press who asked to see my full manuscript. I am still waiting for her response.

Chapter One

Lan willed her feet to pick up their pace. Sweat rolled down between her shoulder blades, dampening the tan beggar’s clothes assigned to her. She rushed through the crowded streets, her long black braid snapped at her back while dust and loose pebbles splintered out behind her.

She glanced up at the sliver of setting sun then at the ominous stone wall of the Imperial Palace. Soon the gate would come into view, if only it still sat open. Lan had never been this late before. Foolishly, she had watched the dragon riders into the early evening, her eyes mesmerized by the dragon’s powerful wings, their long graceful necks, and their fire.